On Clearing the Way for an Authentic Life

Written by Reuben Weininger, MD

I often work with patients on the problem of identifying desires, intuitive responses, and how to live authentically. I find an essential step in identifying an “authentic self” is learning to wield the beautiful and often maligned word “no.”

Both yes and no are magical words, performative words, words that bring things into existence and clear non-essential things from existence, like a magic wand. As basic as they seem, there is art and practice involved in using them.

Behind these words lie many psychologically complex dynamics, including unresolved childhood fears, the sense of basic trust and safety, the faith in oneself and one’s essential value and lovableness, the benignity/malignity of others, the zero-sum vs. boundless nature of connection, and most essentially the capacity to be alone.

Many of us fear that relationships must be maintained through inauthenticity, by responding according to what we imagine others may want or fearing what we imagine others may think if we decline their offers. Much of what passes for conversation in social settings follows this pattern of inauthentic questions and inauthentic responses, leading to a superficial, vaguely dissatisfying sense of connection. Over time, this pattern of interacting with others becomes the default mode; the lack of depth or true meeting is covered over by quantity and noise.

Underlying all of this is the sense of faith in our interconnectedness to all of life, and how fragile we think our capacity to be loved is. Saying what we think others want us to say implies a deep distrust in the basic conditions of our security.

It is also based on the erroneous assumption that we know what others want, or think. I have been a psychiatrist for 34 years and I do not know what others want, or think, unless they tell me, and even then I know that it is constantly changing, that I am not the focus of their experience, which is also constantly changing, and that if I disappoint them that feeling will also soon pass.

On a yet more fundamental level, do we know what we truly want, or feel, or think about anything? To know this requires several things:

-Quiet and space. Meditation and yoga provide the daily opportunity to experience the quieting of the mind’s turbulence, and to find the “quiet candle flame” of deep desire or feeling underneath the mental noise.

-Freedom from the tyranny of other people’s beliefs, opinions, advice, religions, etc. Meditation also helps with this.

-Awareness of body sensations. The body has a deep system of response that gives wonderful information about what we want and don’t want, and this requires the ability to listen and feel for the slight tightening of the belly or chest that often underlies a “no” response.

Having identified what we feel, or want, or know in response to others, we are now in a position to practice the art of tact.

With a deep commitment to maintaining an authentic relationship to ourselves, our response to others can benefit from several principles.

All good responses contain these three elements:

They are true.

They are kind.

They are wise.

True is the easy part. Kind means care given in not harming the other. Wise means having considered the ripple effects of our words, and whether it is our duty to say them.

Not lying, conveying the truth, and treating the other as an equal are essential ingredients.

The art form arises in that particular moment, non-formulaic, given our command of the language, metaphor, poetry, humor, all leavened with kindness. So each instance of saying no or expressing our wishes is unique, arising from that specific moment. Even saying no can be an opportunity to honor the other’s existence.

The problem with ghosting

In the current environment it is all too common for people, especially using electronic media as a platform for communication, to simply disappear or “ghost” others. I hear this frequently from patients regarding dates they have had, even those that seemed to go well. I suspect that the endless opportunities for finding a limitless stream of other people online, the fear of confrontation, lives buried in distractions, and a certain cowardliness all play a role in this phenomenon.

The philosopher Martin Buber described the two ways of relating to others, and to the world, as the “I-Thou” relationship and the “I-It” relationship. In the latter, others are viewed as objects of peripheral concern, to be used according to our needs and discarded accordingly. “I-Thou” implies experiencing the other as having intrinsic value, a center of his/her own subjectivity, noble, and desiring of happiness as we are. In this relationship with the world, we bear a responsibility to treat them with kindness, to communicate our wishes and needs clearly and truthfully, even if this means disappointing them.

The beauty of no

In the search for an authentic sense of self, removing what it is not is the first step. This implies learning to say no to what does not belong. Michelangelo said that he found a block of marble and removed everything that was not “The David.” Otherwise we go through life acting and speaking in ways that are not authentic, and engaging in relationships that are strained and work that does not fulfill us.

No arises from the body. When an opportunity, an offer, or a person presents itself or themself to us, if we have cultivated some quiet in the mind and an open relationship to the body, we can immediately sense a visceral response. No is a slight contraction, often felt in the belly or chest area, or elsewhere. We can be in the habit of ignoring this, and override it with habitual “yessing.” The yes is followed by more visceral discomfort, and the distress augments.

Practicing no may evoke some fear, usually of the other person’s disappointment, anger or loss of connection. In practice, however, no often brings clarity to a muddled situation and raises

our value in the the other person’s experience. No also frees the other person to pursue things that can be more suitable.

Saying no implies trust that there will be enough love, opportunity and resources for us in our lives. And most importantly, that being alone, for now, can be a precious experience leading to richer, more joyful connections. There is simply no way to have healthy relations with others if we cannot be well alone.

The joy of yes

Once the magical word no is mastered, the deck is clear for the truly spectacular word yes. Yes is the affirmation of life, of connection, of whole-heartedly embarking on a path, whether it be work or love or friendship. Yes is the taking full responsibility for action, the being in a position of choosing without reservation. Yes is the power behind all great tasks, the overcoming of all obstacles.